Monday, March 24, 2008

Saturday 17th September 1938

Was it my fevered imagination, or did the Firm’s letters seem bitter and disapproving? Small wonder if they did, with a total weeks’ turnover of just £8.
One bright spot in the morning’s mail however; a communication from Consumer Credit Corporation stating that my payments for the car had now terminated, hoping I should deal with them in the future, from time to time etc. I’ve a little over £2 left in the Bank. Only had £1-8-3 when Lois and I became engaged so I’ve never dropped back again to that zero.

Saw Lois at midday. Still feeling lonely and disconsolate. This time I told her why – that I was fed-up with myself, her parents, Hitler, business and Paripan. She responded – doesn’t she always? Even though they are her parents! Having talked to Milady made me feel happier – and there was no need to worry about business, at least, until Monday morning.

We rambled in the afternoon, with the Club. At nightfall, Lois and I were alone again.

“Where shall we go?”
“The place we love best” she said.
“Yes?”
“Nobles Green!”

We went there. (Surely this is more than I deserve, this wonderful love? More than I’d hoped even. Comradeship was splendid and perfect enough. But that is not all!

“…And agony’s forgot and hushed the crying
Of credulous hearts, in heaven…”

There are two different things about this love – it doesn’t blaze like a torch suddenly and die away; it slowly, steadily increases. I cannot talk about it much to others; difficult even to express myself in this secret book. Only – when I lay across her lap, with her above me like a mother and, reaching up, pulled her head down, down! … And when her little tongue flickered against my lips, deep in her mouth! …

Memories! I hope I live to be a little bit old, with my memories.

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