Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Saturday 5th June 1943

People seem to often think I am more “bats” than I am. For instance, last night I couldn't sleep for some hours, so eventually got out of bed and stepped just outside the door, (which is against my bed) and stood there looking around – at the stars, and the dark citrus groves, and the white track, so dusty in daytime. But I'd hardly been there a minute when Store was beside me, whispering anxiously, urging me to return to bed, saying I mustn't go wandering off at this time of night. I don't think I intended to wander away!

Anyway, he subsequently helped me, as Lias had done once before – he sat beside my bed for an hour or more smoking and talking until I felt sleepy.

Yesterday Store drew my attention to a note on the MO's diary-board, which hangs in the duty-room. It was: “DAWSON, DENTIST, MONDAY” I think this means I am to be sent on to 41 General (N) Hospital – the big mental hospital near the Suez Canal, in Egypt. I shall go, if this be so, with regret – because I shall miss Palestine's greenery and hate Egypt's dust and wide, bleak spaces – but above that, because I shall miss the doctor and the Sisters here, whom I now know. Especially I shall feel lonely without John Store and William Lias. If Store and Lias were going as well, I don't think I should mind in the least.

Captain Colville has diagnosed me as being worse than I am, I reckon. He may even consider me a schizophrenia case. Whatever it is, I wish I knew. I should not feel any worse for knowing, in fact my mind would be at rest.

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