Monday, March 12, 2007

Sunday 12th November 1933

Lonely and miserable walk from 11a.m. to 5p.m. Bus to Windsor then marched sulkily to Dovney(?) At the end of a bridle path (not using a map), I came suddenly to the Thames and strode along it’s banks. Sleepy voices of anglers. Shuffle of dead leaves. Rustling reeds. I should have been happy? I wasn’t. Came to a quaint old chapel – hundreds of years old – and hastened to it. Stood in a clump of trees by the water. Peace at last? The doors were locked.

Near Eton I sat down on a log and ate some of my sandwiches – though I was not hungry. In a huddle of bare, sullen trees. Houses all around at a distance and people in sight. In Windsor I made five attempts to get my favourite brand of cigarettes and failed each time. Great Park; The Long Walk, leading to the statue of a horseman which stood on a rise. Immaculate public school boys. I the only ill dressed person there. Frightened lest any of the works staff should see me in my shabby clothes. Never reached the statue. Too unhappy. Out of the Park at last but still miserable and fearful.

(2005 What was the matter with me? Stupid clot)

Cars. Would I meet anyone? Many times my jaw was set in desperation. Happier but still restless after tea by the cosy wood fire. Smoked several “Peter Jackson” cigarettes and felt better. About 9 o’clock now, so another day is nearly over. Harvey has gone out; I’ll light one more cigarette…. Feel better now. Smoke curling upwards. After this rotten day I feel more cheerful, more optimistic! Now I’ll sit comfortably by the fire and try to read. If I am too restless for that, I will think.

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