Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Friday 31st March 1933

Did a bit of self study today with the aid of old diaries. My Police ambitions are just – dreams. Idle dreams. The fact is – I would like to be a cool, clever policeman. To serve honourably in a great force such as the Metropolitan. Then, with a fine record, to transfer abroad and in time become an officer (with sword) and a great MAN. But cold, brutal REASON says that is only a dream. I COULD NOT be a policeman, even an ordinary one. I DARE NOT shoulder the responsibility. I am not MAN ENOUGH to be a policeman. “There is no deceiver like the self deceiver”. Anyhow, I will not deceive myself.

The writings of my diaries show glaring enthusiasm and dreamy superstitions; then later, I begin to put off the day of joining the Force. I hesitate. I make excuses for myself. “If so-and-so happens I will join”. It happens, yet I do not join. MY spirit is not adventurous enough, I am not cool enough or manly enough for such a venture. I might have carried it through, but nobody has confidence in me. Even my own people say that I am not rough enough. “If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you - ”.

Someday I may be able to write, “Now I have proved the notes of March 31st 1933 to be lies. I am a man”. Until then I must struggle very hard to climb the heights. So end Dawn 1933, with an admission of defeat but not finished yet.

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