Friday, March 23, 2007

Wednesday 11th April 1934

8p.m. Phoned Peggy at teatime and arranged to see her. “Do you want to?” was the typical question. “Unless I did, I shouldn’t ring”, non-committally. The only trouble is, I’m bloody hard up!

To go back a little, I had my usual cup of tea at Forge House and bought a packet of cigarettes, recklessly. Smoked three – the first since Thursday except for one or two from friends. As the smoke curled around, I was almost clairvoyant, thinking of the future; but I stopped to light a cigarette, became conscious, and it went!

11.30p.m. Unusual scenes at TocH. First, as we recited the prayers and the Ceremony of Light, I was saying to myself, “Hypocrite! You don’t mean it, believe it!” After the meeting, in presence of Withey, Taffy and Pilot, I unwisely made a snobbish remark about what one “might not do”. The question involved was a TocH job and they, Pilot especially, dropped heavily upon me at once. God help me, if I am wrong in my summing up of rank distinction but it’s got on my mind since coming down here!
Heavy, cutting criticism. “No guts” “Contemptible”.

Yet, somehow, I still think my outlook is right, though unfortunate. To succeed, I must be snobbish. When I have succeeded I can be different. If I stick to this attitude I cannot, honestly, stay in TocH. Strange to say, my clairvoyance at lunch time saw TocH coming to an end, with me. But not in this miserable way! This may seem highly dramatic; it does not feel it and I do not care for the situation at all. TocH would leave a gap, though I had not realised it. God, in some way, and happy friends.

It is nearly midnight!
Dawn endeth here.

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