Friday 29th April 1938

Ten calls. Two orders, two overdue accounts settled. A contractor named Soulsby recently sent us an inquiry regarding paint for his London estates. I called and was given a lengthy interview, at his Southend office. Intends to deal with a new firm as he is not satisfied with the paint he has been using for a number of years.
He had sent an inquiry to all the leading paint manufacturers…

I recalled this afternoon; saw his Secretary. No more travellers were being interviewed she said; the list of firms had been narrowed to two. One of these would be chosen shortly. Mr Soulsby had all the information necessary and would make up his mind within the next week or so. One of the two firms still in the running is Paripan!

Evening: Met Pat. We decided to go out and make love somewhere, as we both felt in the mood. I was in the kitchen with Amanda Retallack, whilst Pat was getting her hat and coat. “Come back, Stephen,” she said, “There are two questions I must ask you – very important.” I carefully closed the door leading to the passage. “Ask now.”
“What did you mean when you said, “Are our early morning talks getting us anywhere?”
“I felt that if not, our time had been wasted.” “Oh, and now the second question”
“Yes?” (I knew it! For several weeks – months – I’d known this question might come!)
Pat’s mother looked straight at me, “Do I attract you?” “You are very attractive…”

The door from the passage opened, Pat was in the kitchen.

We left soon afterwards, drove to Cherry Orchard Lane; parked the Zephyr on the edge of the cornfield, near where we first kissed. For a long time we sat huddled in the back of the car, my rug around us. Pat stroked my hair, put her cold fingers inside my sleeve to the elbow. We nearly slept in each other’s arms! My hands at her beautiful bosom, wandering into the hollow between her breasts; my lips gently pressing, opening her lips.

At 12:30 we were back at No. 218 and I knew, as we sat by the fire – made up, to burn for hours – that the play was only half finished. At half past one Pat went to bed and left Amanda Retallack and I alone. “I am attractive… But do I attract you?”
“Yes, you attract me. And we’ve both known it for a long time, haven’t we?”

Disjointed conversation.

“Make a good film story wouldn’t it?”
“Yes, real life drama…”
“You’re Pat’s mother”
“Yes, that’s it. Do you love her?”
“I don’t know; I never have known”
“What is it?”
“Oh, her youthfulness. It’s a recapturing of something long ago past. But it’s not quite an unqualified success. I’m 25 now, not 20 or 21. Different feelings.”
“We mustn’t give way”
“No”

Then the light was out and we were sitting on the sofa in the dim fireglow, holding hands. It was too much for anyone.

“If I don’t kiss you I must go at once.”
“I don’t want you to go.”
“Then…”
“I don’t want you to go.”

Ardent, desirous kisses. How different her face looked, close to. So lovely. We rose, I got my hat and scarf. Then went back to the sofa. “Again! Remember, this is the last time ever.” My hands at her beautiful bosom, wandering into the hollows between her breasts; my lips gently pressing, opening her lips.

I left her at 3:45 a.m. It was quite dark. I slunk out of the house, did not feel safe until I had started the car and was driving homewards.

Bed 4:15. I lay thing for a while before I slept. What a terrible thing to do! But how beautiful!